Cian’s mummy – The Positive Pregnancy Test

Should be a milestone not just a memory 

A year ago today time stood still as I stared at that positive test, in that moment I thought of all that was to come.

I thought of the morning sickness that might be here soon, I thought of how excited I was to give birth again hopefully to have another amazing experience. I pictured the moment your brother got to meet you I pictured the outfits I made the memories up in my head already. I thought of the sleep regressions I thought of the hard times ahead the struggles of motherhood the things I was struggling with in that moment.

The happy thought of 2 under 2 started to hit home and the dread of it come over me, was I happy is this what I wanted am I ready to do this again? Are we ever ready to have a baby or another

I talked myself in and out of excitement and worry for that whole day and the ones that followed. What I’d do to go back to that moment and have the naive mindset and think that my main worries were how do I bath a new born and a toddler or what new pram do we buy.

What I’d do to know you were growing inside me, what I’d do to be staring back at that positive test with happiness and nerves blissfully unaware of the heart ache ahead. Would I change it? Short answer no. If I could change the outcome of course I would but I know I can’t but I wouldn’t change you being conceived, you growing inside me, I wouldn’t change it because you were here you matter you are loved and missed because you happened. I held you I met you and I will always love you. Today I stand staring at the same test with the line a little more faded holding on to a part of you. Today I should be taking a comparison picture it should be a milestone not just a memory.