Baby loss in the eyes of dad.

The moments leading up to the loss of a child can sometimes be harder to navigate than what comes after. Knowing what’s coming but having to watch your wife/partner pray and hope with all of her being that somehow there can be a different outcome, all the while you are trying to prepare yourself for what comes next. You are well aware that this time tomorrow you will have lost your baby but not only that you will have lost your wife too. She will never be the same again after this and unfortunately you have to put your feelings on the back burner and step up. All you can do is dig deep, deeper than you’ve ever dug before and be there!! It won’t matter what you say or do in the following days, weeks, months or even years, as I’ve come to find out she will always try and find a way to blame herself which is the hardest part to watch. You can see deep inside even when she’s having a good day that there is still something in the back of her mind that she’s trying to piece together. You are there but your aren’t at the same time, sometimes you may wonder if much of what you say is even heard but just know that even in those times she still loves you, because no matter how hard it may be from now on, you were, are and always will be there.

Sometimes you may sit and think ‘what if it’s something I’ve done’ or ‘is there something I could have done to prevent this’ and the answer in most cases is no, somethings in life can’t be controlled and it’s time to stop looking for blame and go back to just being there. I know most men probably don’t talk about their feelings (I’m the biggest advocate for that just ask my wife) but that’s ok because even if you keep what’s inside you bottled up just make sure there’s room in that bottle for her because it’s you who she will come to because it’s you who was by her side.

She may decide to seek help from another source i.e counselling/support sessions and you may well find that during this your wife will start to improve with time and you may see glimpses of the woman you loved before this all happened, just remember even though you feel you have lost part of her that woman you loved before is in there somewhere she’s just lost and trying her very best to come back to you but she is still that same woman so make sure you love her just as much today and continue to be there with all you have left because she needs it more than you may realise.

Don’t be surprised if once you start noticing a difference in your wife and that you think she may be coping a lot better you, yourself may then start to become confused. Why do I all of a sudden feel inadequate? why couldn’t I have got her to where she is now? why didn’t she confide in me as much as she has with other people? These are all questions that have no direct answer but somehow you may still feel a tad to blame for not helping her. Being there for her at the time was all you could do and she will always be grateful for that, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t appreciate you it just means that she chose another path to follow on her journey and just be thankful that path has got her to where she is now because she is slowly coming back.

The next step may be the hardest because you may feel like you’ve now lost yourself, and you might start to regress. This is ok it’s fine to sometimes look for the tunnel at the end of the light as long as you remember your way back out. You have been there for her in the darkest time of her life and continued to be there while she’s slowly getting back to her old self and now you may feel alone, you may now feel you have nobody to turn because you don’t want to put your burden on her shoulders after she’s progressed so much but just know there are so many different facilities/people there for you so don’t be afraid to talk.

It will get easier with time like so many other things in life but just remember she loves you and you love her and if you both make it out of that tunnel it will make you appreciate and love each other even more. It’s hard to believe that such a beautiful little being that you once had all these hopes and plans for is now just gone, your world has been shook and it’s just not fair. It’s going to be an emotional journey but hopefully you will find some solace in knowing that Your angel baby is always watching over you so just try as much as you can to always make them proud!