River is our second of three daughters; during what had been a straightforward pregnancy, I felt unsettled. I went to the hospital for reassurance and that was the day River was found to have no heartbeat, exactly halfway through the pregnancy. Within the first few weeks I found something in everything; a feather floating past, dandelion wishes, a heart shaped stone, I found her in everything. I was desperate to keep her at the forefront and so found comfort in finding ways to do this, for example researching companies which turn ashes into gem stones, finding the perfect urn in which to place River’s ashes and designing a memorial garden. I have never been very interested in poetry, however, I do like Gaby Compres’ work and I identified so much with her poems; so much so that I named my youngest after one of them, (she also has River as a middle name). I have worked hard to allow myself to speak about River when I want to. I never hesitate to speak about my other two girls and so why should it be any different for River?

The funeral was surreal, we didn’t invite others, it was our special time, it was River’s only tangible special occasion and counted for everything from first birthday to graduation and wedding day, and so it had to be just for us. The funeral director was wonderful, he didn’t put time constraints on our visit to the Chapel of Rest, therefore allowing us to spend time reading books and messages from family to River and playing songs which are special to us. We didn’t attend the cremation, instead we followed the hearse, said goodbye in the grounds and went for a walk with her flowers and then on to a hotel which is special to us to have a champagne lunch on the River Ness. I was wary of telling people this part to begin with but it was our decision, and we are happy with it. We laughed, wiped away tears and toasted our baby girl, the sun shone on us and we met a gorgeous puppy (called River!). We will continue to do this on River’s anniversary.

On what would have been River’s first Christmas, I received a handmade bauble from one of my friends with River’s name on it. I adore the bauble and I will never forget how that person included my baby that Christmas, it’s one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.

Held In Our Hearts has been pivotal in my surviving River’s loss. My peer supporter provided a safe space for me to discuss things that I could never have discussed with others. There was no judgement but there was a lot of reassurance and validation. I was comforted to know how I felt was normal. I was also better mentally prepared having been warned about what may be lurking round the corner in terms of milestones and firsts. Together, the care I received from Held In Our Hearts, the Maternity Unit and Pastoral Service at Raigmore, Chisholms Funeral Directors and CROCUS have all had a major role in allowing me and my family to heal and for that I am eternally grateful.