Lilly was my third pregnancy, I have a daughter Hannah 8 years old and a son Liam 5 years old.
We found out I was pregnant sept 2010 everything seemed to be going fine , We had the 12 week scan on the 21st Dec an early xmas surprise and everything was fine such a relief as in the Nov I had a fall in the bad snow .
On the 18th Jan I had a midwife appointment as that was me 16 weeks so was really looking forward to hearing the heartbeat, my mum came with me along with my son. She took my obs which were fine, felt my fundus then was having trouble getting a proper trace just very faint, so she wanted me to go to the hospital to be on the safe side. At this point most people would be worried but this happened with my eldest daughter so assumed everything would be fine.
When we arrived I was taken into a treatment room they put me on a monitor to check my pulse and the midwife wasn’t happy so she called down to the scan room and told us to go down and get checked. At that point I knew something was wrong I told my mum to get hold of my husband.
He met us down at reception and my mum went to pick up my daughter from school. We were sitting in the waiting room and my heart sank when they called my name at first I refused to go in, looking back I realise I knew something was up and didn’t want it confirmed as it would make it reality. The lady asked my details etc. the screen came up saw the baby and she measured the baby at this point she asked “how many weeks did you say you were”? “16” at which point my husband squeezed my hand (as he was watching the screen from a different angle). She turned the monitor and turned up the volume and said “I am so sorry sweetheart “. I remember screaming from the roof tops and sobbing, sobbing to the point there was no more tears. She had to have it confirmed by another lady which I hated as part of me was hoping I would hear a heartbeat.
We were taken into the family room to be told by the consultant that I would need to give birth to the baby. Both my husband and I were not happy about this as I had my eldest daughter my emergency C-section and my son by a planned section and the thought of going through a natural birth in very sad circumstances i dreaded. The consultant looked up from her notes and said to us “I understand but you need your womb to be empty” I wanted to slap her how dare she. The midwife came back with a tablet and told me to come back on the Fri morning (21st Jan) at 10am.
The wed and Thurs were the longest two days but at the same point I can’t really remember anything about them. My mum came with me on the Fri as my husband couldn’t. We were shown into a side room and the midwife Alison introduced herself she was really nice. She was shocked and angry that nobody gave us any info on the option we would have with the baby burial or cremation so not only was I having a difficult time this was multiplied by phoning my hubby to discuss our options. The tablets were given to me around 11:00 and our daughter who we named Lilly was born at 2:30 all perfect I spent a couple of hours with her giving lots of kisses and cuddles, hospital took photos I don’t think I would of managed it without my mum being there , it was so nice to be able to share and have those special moments with my mum and her granddaughter I was discharged at 8pm. I will never forget seeing my husband’s face when I came home and showing him the pictures “Just perfect” he said. I hated leaving her but kept cuddling the samba blanket and she was put to rest on the 8th Feb and Loaninghill Cemetery. I think having the service and seeing hubby carry the coffin made it all real and brought more feeling to the surface and so nice share that day with close friends and family who were and have been a massive support to us both.
The post-mortem took 16 weeks to come back and it was from that they found out the baby was a girl and the cord was round her neck twice was the only indication that was the cause .
In Jan 2011 just coming up to Lilly’s first anniversary I joined the Held In Our Hearts West Lothian group after my friend Heather( who has been a big shoulder to me when I have needed it) found it in the local newspaper. After a lot of encouragement from my husband (who has been my rock we have got we have became a lot more closer and stronger. Don’t know where I would be without him) I attended It was the best thing I have done especially at the right time. When I first went and heard the stories I thought oh my loss was only at 16 weeks where all their ones were further on and which point I was reassured it was fine and since then it has brought me a lot of comfort and support I was amazed at how many people were there and they had all lost a baby too and understood how I was feeling, they know exactly what to say at the right time when you need it the most, also better than your family and friends who try and say the right thing but make it worse . The ladies at the meeting and myself all share something in common and a title “Angel Mummy’s” I have formed friendships with these fantastic lady’s that will last a lifetime and I can’t thanks Held In Our Hearts enough.
